This month of October is special to me for a couple of reasons. In this part of the world, the Jacaranda tree goes into full bloom. The Jacaranda mimosifolia ( being the botanical name) is a subtropical tree originally indigenous to South America. We are so lucky the seed came this way and thrived. Roads lined with purple flowered trees and a purple carpet are a sight to behold.
Back when I was a little girl we used to live in Salisbury (now Harare) ,then the capital city of Rhodesia. The streets in and around the city centre were and still are lined with Jacaranda trees and bloom time is always picturesque. Back then the city would host what was known as the Jacaranda Festival. There was so much excitement in the air as we stood by and watched the procession of marchers and decorated vehicles moving along the tree adorned streets. Seen through innocent eyes, life was so beautiful. “La vie est belle”, so they say. Hopefully the same sense of aesthetic stays with us for a long time so that we are not tempted to cut down the trees for firewood!
October and Jacaranda bloom also mark the starting of public examinations in High Schools and what a stressful period! I am glad that am done with exams of that nature. Let me however share something a bit embarrassing, to this day am still haunted by nightmares whereby I am sitting for some kind of exam. Bet you, am not the only one.
In October, special attention is paid to women and their health. It is the Breast Cancer Awareness month. According to statistics, 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer and it is the most commonly occurring cancer. According to the World Health Organisation, early detection is critical in order to improve breast cancer outcomes and survival. As women, it is really important for us to get screened. 4 years ago I lost a very close friend to breast cancer.
Tsitsi and I met during our first year at Uni and our friendship hit off like that. So close were we that she was the best lady at my wedding. Interestingly we were birth twins, we shared the same birthday in October. Tsitsi had this gentle and calm demeanour I found really admirable. Beautiful inside and out, she had a vibe that made you feel comfortable to be in her company. She had a lovely smile and an infectious laughter which at one point almost made the two of us fail our class presentation. She was one person who just could not hold back her laughter and most times the bug also got me. When she battled the disease, her laughter was part of her strength plus the courage and serenity. May she rest in peace.
What Shapes Our Behavior?
In psychology, the term, “ego” is widely used in relation to the study of human personality. The term was first coined by a famous psychologist, Sigmund Freud. It went on to become so mainstream we can now afford to throw it around. According to Freud, the human psyche is in three parts, the id, ego and super-ego which work together to shape behaviour. The id is the primitive and instinctual part that is responsible for our sexual and aggressive drives and hidden memories. The super-ego is driven by our moral conscience. The ego, a Latin translation for “self” or “I” is in contact with the external world and responsive to the physical and social surroundings. It is the realistic part that mediates between the desires of the id and the super ego
Let’s say it is one of those days you find yourself cruising in your car, all chilled and nice music playing. On this part of the globe we know what a menace public taxi drivers are. They behave as if the roads belong to them. One of them overtakes you and in no time stops to pick up a passenger by the roadside. Luckily you come of out your reverie, quickly apply brakes and come to a screeching halt just short of ramming into that taxi whose back windscreen is written, “ Jeremiah 29:11”. What was the Lord’s plan here? What irony! Fuming, you get out of the car and start hurling all the expletives you can think of at the reckless driver.
The id , as the primal instinct of survival sensed danger and in defence, out came the aggression. The super-ego is telling you that what the driver did is wrong. What kind of driving is that unless the man bought his driver’s licence? You see, where monitoring systems are weak these drivers become the law unto themselves and play around with people’s lives. The driver just snarls at you and without apologizing drives off to commit yet another traffic offence. Your ego is hurt and now you are too angry to even focus on your driving. You are breathing heavily through the nose and talking to yourself. Road rage. The ego is very powerful because it is our identity.
Towards A Gentle state
A workmate once shared an unpleasant encounter she had with her friend. The friend had invited her to lunch and somewhere between the good food and wine the conversation turned into an attack. The friend began criticizing my workmate’s personality as well as her physical appearance. That is the whole shebang.
She was criticized for not being assertive enough or maybe too gentle. When done with the inside she then went to the jugular, she started criticizing how my workmate looked. Having become health conscious she had taken to exercising and had lost some weight. According to the friend she was looking malnourished and was no longer looking attractive. From head to toe the friend picked on everything she believed was wrong with my workmate. I bet the food and the wine lost their taste. Talk about good food and good company!
I then asked her how she reacted to all that verbal and emotional abuse. She said her friend’s words really hurt her but she decided that the tirade was not about her. She was happy and proud of the way she looked. Having worked hard to get to where she was physically and emotionally, no one had the power to steal her joy. She said her friend must have been in a dark space where she was battling with her own issues. She however thanked the friend for the observations but made a note to self that genuine friends were not made of stuff like that. You see, some battles are not worth fighting because some of us are hardwired towards belittling others. No amount of battle can change us. Then there is also a very fine line between being aggressive and being assertive.
Gentleness And Self Control
If the Freudian theory is anything to go by, every human possesses the id, ego and superego and a continuum exists in any of the three states. Our personalities can swing to extremes if we allow them to. The “Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde” kind of extremes. It all lies in making the choice to exercise self control or not. My bruised ego can work out the equation with the id, and superego and then tell me to hit back because someone should not be allowed to say all those nasty things to me. What we do not realize is that some of the meanness and aggression targeted at us have nothing to do with us. By hitting back we may end up getting sucked in by a whirlwind that is just looking for anything lightweight to toss around in order to justify its power and intensity.
I have memories where my late friend found herself being the target of some hurtful incidents. Such were potentially explosive situations but she handled them with gentleness and grace. She decided not to fight back but rather re-drew her boundaries in order to protect herself. There is a common belief that gentleness is a sign of weakness and aggression is power. Gentleness like water is soft but very powerful.
“ Nothing in the world is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible, nothing can surpass it.
The soft overcomes the hard; the gentleness overcomes the rigid.
Everyone knows this it true, but few can put it in to practice.
Tao Wisdom
It is easy for us to revert to the factory settings inherited from our cavemen ancestors. The fighting mode should always be on for protection and survival. Do you know that it is easy for us to be aggressive but it requires so much effort to remain calm and gentle in the face of an attack. Choosing to be calm and gentle is where strength lies and that is self control.
What Gentleness Does.
It gives you the power to:
To observe the process: You are able to take a step back and see the bigger picture. Some of us harbour insecurities, frustrations and pain that we do not know how to deal with. The next person we consider the weakest link becomes our punching bag. We feel justified in attacking them because they are the reason for our unhappiness. We are victims here! If you happen to be the target of such attacks, most have nothing to do with you.
Choose a struggle: My daughter taught me that phrase. Choose your battles wisely, you can’t be fighting each and every battle that comes your way. Some battles are not worth the energy no matter how tempting. Strength is what will hold us back from getting into the boxing ring and not the fight itself. That is an indication of gentleness not cowardice. In his campaign against the British government in India during the 1930s to 40s, civil rights activist Mahatma Gandhi believed that power could be resisted without the use of physical force. His strategy became the river that wore down the rigid rocks and it has been adopted the world over since then.
To choose how to react or respond: A survivor of the ghastly Nazi concentration camps, Viktor Frankl embodies gentleness. Of his experiences he says,
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom”
He could not have said it better! We do have the power of choice in everything we say, think or do. Often times we play the victim card and blame others for the way we responded or reacted. As long as we think like victims we are handing over our power to others.
Gentleness and self-control : There is a certain dignity in having these. If the Freudian concept is anything to go by, one will have managed to tame the “Id”, a primitive and instinctual nature that makes us slaves to our impulses. Gentleness and self control are the foundations of diplomacy and we need to practise these if we are to relate well with others and also earn respect.
When all is said and done;
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
Viktor Frankl
Be gentle and take care.