Last year when the Coronavirus hit, it made the daily headlines.  We breathed, ate and slept the virus.  One reporter said that the virus will only disappear with the next big news. I want to believe that the Meghan Markle and Prince Harry (the Sussexes) interview with Oprah Winfrey has somehow upstaged the virus. The brouhaha over the interview is nothing short of amazing. Ever since the airing the couple has been making the news. Ironically their quest for a private and normal life has brought them nothing but non-stop publicity.  Anyone with an opinion has weighed in, me included. Media houses must be raking in big monies with stories about the royal family and will continue to milk the cow until blood comes out. They say any news is good news even it means destroying other peoples’ lives.

Allow me to offer my two cents. To me the interview was an anticlimax, nothing seriously shocking there. Given the fact that royal and celebrity lives have played out on the public arena and thanks to the media, I had kind of hypothesised on issues that would arise. Of course issues to do with mental health, in this case suicidal ideations and racism should always be taken seriously because they are a threat to human life and dignity. What I however found unsettling was the realization that I was listening to family gossip. The Sussexes themselves had a hard time trying to explain some things if anyone cared to observe.

I must say though, some good lessons came out of the interview. These had to do with the establishment called Family or “Fam” as my sister -in-law is wont to call it. Here is what I teased out:

 Premarital counselling  is important

It used to be a standard practice in our culture that a young couple planning to get married should get premarital counselling. The young woman would have a tete-a-tete with her aunt while the young man sat with his uncle. This was a good way of preparing the young couple, as we all know that marriage is not a stroll in the park. Young couples need to be equipped with necessary skills to deal marital challenges. I believe that lack of such preparatory work has also contributed to high divorce rates in recent years. While the roles of the aunt and uncle have seemingly faded away, other avenues like professional and the church elder counselling can be useful. I wonder if Megan and Prince Harry had been prepared for the challenges that then came their way.

Familiarity is family

It was also the practice in our culture that one should choose a partner from within his or her community. The reason being that you already knew about the family you were marrying into. Sharing the same cultural beliefs or practices was also advantageous; then there would be no culture shock. To this day some families are not prepared to warmly welcome someone they are not familiar with, instead they are suspicious. Talking about culture shock, there are some practices that make it difficult for anyone to get assimilated. I have heard of certain ethnic groups where the father of the groom beds the daughter -in -law first before the son does. True or false, it is shocking!

I also believe there still are races, cultures and religious groups that strongly discourage mixed unions. Unfortunately globalization has accelerated the occurrence of mixed marriages.

The difference that is Meghan

Prince Harry and Meghan had different backgrounds. However Meghan’s background drew a lot of interest because she was American, of mixed race and a divorcee marrying into the British royal family. Those three things somehow stuck out like a sore thumb. If they did not raise a few eyebrows in the royal corridors and the kingdom itself then I don’t know what would. Meghan was different from all the women that had married into the family. Difference can be perceived as a threat to the status quo or any tradition. Difference breeds suspicion, fear and discomfort, thus elimination becomes the next best response. Overnight Meghan became the villain prancing on palace grounds and she was vilified by the media. Almost everything about her was criticized and every little misstep was blown out of proportion. No one gave her a chance or any rest. Is it any wonder that all this took a toll on her mental health?

I don’t set out to be different, I set out to be me. People think it’s different”

-Anon

Marrying the family

A simple definition of a family would be a group of one or more parents and their children living together as a unit. A broader definition that includes the extended family would be,  “a family that extends beyond the nuclear family to include grandparents and other relatives”. The second definition is more appropriate in our African culture. Everyone is family. Some families are so particular such that thinking or saying otherwise can have you taken to task. There are no cousins, but brothers and sisters. There are no aunts and uncles, there are mothers and fathers. That is how tightly knit families are. A woman does not just marry into the family, she marries the family and what it says can have a bearing on the union.

The Windsors seem to be a big family with the Queen as the matriarch. On top of that she also is the matriarch to the whole of the United Kingdom. If Meghan had realised that she was not just getting married to Prince Harry but the whole family plus the interactional complexities that came with it, she could have washed off some of the stars in her eyes.

In Shona culture a woman who joins a family through marriage is usually labelled “mutorwa” ,and it loosely means that she is an outsider. If not through banter, the times I  hear that word being used I develop goose-bumps because it is derogatory. It makes you feel like an intruder and unwelcome. Those who for some reason have a dislike for women who marry into their family love using this word. I can not help wondering how Meghan fared in that area.    

The family is a system

In systemic thinking the family can be viewed as a system and an emotional unit. A system is made up of interrelated parts that work together as a whole. Dysfunction in one part can affect the whole system. For example, conflict between two family members is bound to affect the rest. Some members will be triangulated or caught in between as well as being forced to take sides. This may even affect employees found under the same roof. It is therefore not surprising that after the interview some family and staff members would have wanted to share their side of the story. Well, talk about opening Pandora’s box! A family also has a hierarchal structure which serves to maintain order, stability, unity of purpose and continuity.To preserve the family, hierarchy needs to be respected. What an appropriate case study in hierarchy has the British monarchy presented over centuries.

Every family has a tradition unique to them

A family is also a group of individuals who share the same values, beliefs and goals that make up tradition. These can be encapsulated in legends or stories about family history told from time to time or passed down the generations. Legends preserve tradition and they may either prevent or facilitate change depending on the motives of the narrator. Tradition is what gives the British monarchy its pride of place in the annals of history. As a child growing up in colonial Rhodesia I knew of Queen Elizabeth before I could even spell out my own name. By maintaining tradition the monarchy also remains a symbol the British identity. There are instances of course where the monarchy has gotten some flack for failing to move with the times. Meghan Markle, an American woman of colour marrying into the British royal family showed how the monarchy has been adapting to change.

Families have scripts

Scripts are prescribed patterns of family interactions that define the rules of the relationship. People are also born into scripts, for example being born a prince and behaving as per prescription.

Replicative scripts: A newly formed family can adopt a replicative script from previous generations if they are comfortable with it. For example, Prince William and Kate Middleton seamlessly adopted and adjusted to the royal roles and duties that awaited them. I believe it was relatively easy for Kate because she is British herself. They are now King and Queen in waiting.

Corrective Script: History has it that in 1936 King Edward VIII of the United Kingdom abdicated the throne in order marry the woman he loved, an American socialite and twice divorced. When he faced a lot of opposition about his choice he chose to go against the script. Prince Harry also shed off his title and royal duties to stand by the woman he loves thereby rewriting the script. I sometimes wonder if the young couple moved too fast and too soon. Maybe the dust was going to settle over time. But one would say, at what cost? Doing things differently can affect family dynamics, relations can strained or even severed. And yet difference can also be good for independence and growth. Hopefully the couple was prepared for the consequences. My respect goes to Prince Harry for being brave and choosing to stand by his wife.

Every family has its own unique drama

Someone should have told the young couple that:

• Every family has it fair share of drama queens and kings. These are members who create mountains out of molehills and thrive on disunity amongst members.
• Family gossip, petty jealousies and oh yes, condenscending attitudes exist and if entertained, they have been known to destroy families.  
•  Black sheep and scapegoats are the creations of some members whose motives are to hide behind such in order to avoid dealing with their personal issues.
• There are also those who will always have chips on their shoulders and are ever so ready to pull out the victim card for every little slight. They always believe that someone somewhere has something against them.
• Every family has its own outliers, those who choose do things differently or who value self autonomy only to be labelled “difficult”.
• Pleasers are there, the “goody two shoes” who will go wherever the wind blows. They will try by all means not to upset apple cart and are happy to throw others under the bus as long as they stay in good books.
• Then there are members who will turn a blind eye on injustices as long as their survival is not threatened.
• Family may cause you so much pain.
• Conflict is inevitable and normal in family relations. If handled in a healthy way it facilitates growth.
• Every family has a tradition replete with healthy and unhealthy   “isms” and “ologies”.

Family is supposed to be a safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

-Iyanla Vanzant

Happiness is………….

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

-George Burns

Unfortunately, duty to family and country will always find the royals in close proximity and in each other‘s face. With constant media exposure; perfection is expected of them, they will be pitted against each other like cocks in a fighting ring and if today they are darlings, the next day they are vilified. Their private lives are for public consumption. Despite their glorified and ‘mythfied’ lives, they are just ordinary human beings like us. They suffer the way we do.

In systemic thinking we say the problem is the problem and the person is not the problem. The problem lies in the way family members interact. Someone should have told the young couple that they are part of the problem as well as the solution. Added to that, no family is perfect and running to the world with your problems will never make it perfect.  The best you can be is a public spectacle.

Now we hear of information and mis-information which have turned the whole family into a circus group. Instead of dealing with our personal issues, the royal family has provided us with a platform for escapism and voyeurism.  At the beginning of the interview Oprah disclaimed that the couple was not being paid to talk. If not for the money at least, why expose your private lives for public entertainment? For the Sussexes, the unfortunate bit is that Oprah is not their aunt, otherwise she would have cared enough to invite them for a private discussion accompanied by a high tea nicely served in Royal Doulton. A part of me really feels for the royal family as it is being torn apart and to pieces in the public arena.