There is a South African Wimpy advert that leaves me in stitches every time it airs. A grandmother (Gogo) keeps harassing her grandson about when he is getting married. She has the knack of popping online while he is busy working.  And just as he is about to bite into his burger, she comes online with her question. The young man quickly shuts his laptop so that he can enjoy his meal in peace. Grannies and their fascination with the latest technology, in line with the social distancing etiquette are quite amusing. That makes me think of my mum’s fixation with WhatsApp.

Talking of marriage, a young woman had to endure harassment from her old aunts every time she attended family weddings. The older women would pointedly tell her that she is next. This was now getting under her skin until she attended a funeral of an elderly family member. She then approached one of the aunts and told her she is next. I guess that put to rest the torture she used to experience. As humorous as the two scenarios seem, in real life these situations can cause so much stress and anxiety to individuals being harassed and to some extent other family members.

The common definition of a family comprises a father, mother and the children but there are other types like the single parent, child-headed, blended etc.  A family goes  through various stages of development accompanied by milestones that its members are expected to reach.

Milestones As Expectations

In his growth process a young adult is expected to reach the following milestones:  Graduate,  get  a job,  get married, have children, buy a car and house, get a promotion. My son would say,  a wife plus 2 ½ kids, a car and house with a picket fence make a perfect postcard picture!  

Other milestones include seeing children through school and then launching them into the world as they the leave the nest. The next milestone would be retirement which is also the time to enjoy his well deserved rest.  All these if reached can be counted as achievements but alas, not everyone follows that  developmental path.

Cry Our Beloved Country!

Our Zimbabwean economy is in crisis and the unemployment rates are at an estimated 90%, with the youth rate close to 70% according to some sources. These are estimates pre-Covid-19 and I shudder to think what the figures are like in this Coronavirus era. Added to that, the rate at which education institutions keep churning out graduates is not proportionate with job availability.

Being unemployed  means a delay in reaching expected milestones  or it might not even happen. Where parents looked forward to launching, they now find themselves having to live with their unemployed children. This might even extend to grandchildren thus instead of resting they  are forced to re-parent. In our African culture, we invest in our children’s education with the hope that they well be able to take care of us when we are no longer able to fend for ourselves. It becomes a stressful situation when expectations are not met.

The Biological Clock vs The Social Clock

The perceived conflict between the Biological clock and the Social Clock is a source of stress for many people. According to experts, the Biological clock is a function that serves an evolutionary purpose or has to do with life-cycle functions like growth and reproduction. And then the idea of the Social Clock was espoused by social psychologist Bernice Neugarten in the 1960s. She observed that there was a predictability of events or milestones in society. According to Neugarten, human beings use the Social clock to define the norms and expected behaviours throughout life as determined by culture or society thereby suggesting that there are appropriate times for certain life events. The Social clock is a social construct as opposed to  the biological clock that has neural origins. All societies have Social clocks that have settings unique to them and changes in culture can alter the clock.

The Psychological Effects Of Timing

Being ahead, on time or behind the Social clock can have different psychological effects on individuals.

Being ahead: Teenage pregnancies and the tradition of forcing young girls into early marriages can cause problems in lives of the affected children. They are forced to drop out of school and assume roles that are beyond their ages and capacity. In child-headed families older children assume parenting roles as they take care of younger siblings. These children, being too young and vulnerable to protect themselves become victims of abuse. 

On time:  Those moving in time with Social clock experience a sense of achievement and of belonging as they get some kind of recognition from society. When one reaches milestones at the expected time society deems that “normal”. Such individuals become the “role models” that others are pressured to emulate.  Yet such high expectations can also put pressure on the so called “role models” as they are not expected disappoint in any way. Such individuals may experience anxiety and even depression because of the pressure to be perfect . One may begin to wonder why someone seems unhappy after all those timeous achievements. Societal as well as self imposed pressure can do that.

Behind the clock:  This is very stressful for those lagging behind. One’s self esteem is  affected in such a way that they end up thinking that there is something wrong or abnormal about them. Society can be so insensitive in that it piles pressure and as if that is not enough, it assigns negative labels, stigmatizes and sometimes ostracizes those they feel are behind the Social clock. A female client was ordered by her husband to stop associating with her close childhood friend who was not married. He believed the friend would be a bad influence thus leaving her a rather lonely person.

In our culture concerned family members will go as far as holding meetings with those lagging behind in order to find out what the problem could be, especially if it has to do marriage or child bearing. The pressure can make concerned individuals withdraw or isolate themselves socially. Women tend to feel double the pressure from both the Social and Biological clock when it comes to marriage and child bearing. Research has shown that society will not frown upon an older man who marries a woman who is decades younger but it can not be so the other way around.

Unmet expectations do not only affect the individual concerned but also those with vested interests like family members. The spirit of oneness is part of our culture. Being practiced within the extended family or the community, it gives one a sense of belonging. This means that whatever we do is bound to affect others. The flipside is that if one is pressured to live up to others’ expectations, the result can be choices made out of desperation. 

“ I am because we are. Far too often people think of themselves as just individuals, separated from one another, where as you are connected and what you do affects the whole world.”

Desmond Tutu

Our situation may not affect the whole world of course but it can do so to our significant others. If they feel let down or disappointed but can you imagine how immense the pressure can be on the individual concerned?

The pressure to be on time has  also been heightened by social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, the internet and reality TV. Seeing our peers and famous people reaching milestone after milestone can make us question and see ourselves as failures. Being behind the Social clock can create feelings of;  inferiority, guilt, shame,  anxiety, failure,  worthlessness, self hate and blame. These feelings can push someone into reckless behaviour like drug and substance abuse, desperation, depression and   even suicidal thoughts.

Debunking The Social Clock

• The Social Clock is just a social construction, it is not cast in stone and therefore not the ultimate truth. We have multiple realities and what seems normal to me might not be so to the next person. We cannot allow ourselves become prisoners of the Social clock else our lives become stressful.

• The Social clock can be altered by the changes in culture. In Zimbabwe for instance, economic challenges have somehow shaped our culture in that financial constraints have caused delays in reaching certain milestones. You may want to get married but you have no money for lobola let alone start a family. On the other hand, economic migration has pushed grandparents into re-parenting grandchildren left in their care therefore failing to enjoy retirement.

• Much as we might want to move in accordance with the Social clock, there are milestones we may never reach or it may take longer but that does not make us failures.  For instance, people have lost their investments or assets as result of recessions or poor governance which cripples economies and thus disrupt people’s lives. Progress is halted or someone is forced to start all over again. While we may have no control over what life hands us, but we do have control over how we are going to deal with the situation. We can choose to lie on the road, let life ride over and flatten us and then the play victim card so well or we can get up, dust off and move forward.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward”

Martin Luther King Jr.

• Whilst the Social clock is developmental, journey of life is not as linear or like an elevator ride up. For most of us, life is has detours, stops and delays, it might even mean retracing our steps in order to find the way forward. There are people whose lives have been catapulted forwards thereby skipping some milestones. There young people in the Western world who have become millionaires before they know the number of zeros in a million. Some drop out of school and never get to graduate and yet possess a multitude of assets. Then there are also those who reach milestones late in life. In 2004, 88 year old Kimani Nganga Maruge became the oldest man in Kenya to attend primary school. Others have started successful businesses and careers thus defying the idea of the social clock. Colonel Sanders, the KFC founder did not achieve success until he was in his 60s.

•  The reality is that, for some of us milestones may be the full-stops and for others they simply are commas, they will keep going. That is how different we all are and life does not lend itself to competition. The slow speed at which we are travelling towards our milestones is not a crime, we should therefore not feel guilty.

• We also ought to realise that some situations are borne out of choice. There are people who have made the decision not to get married or delay having children or even have none. Some are experiencing fertility challenges while some have not met that person whom they are prepared to spend the rest of their lives with. In all these scenarios the individuals concerned are of course are aware of the Social clock, therefore we need to respect other people’s choices and to be sensitive. If they need our input they will open up when the time is right. Our relentless concern and questions inflict more pain. We need to apply brakes!

• The social clock is achievement based, it does not measure our real self worth. If our value system is externally influenced and materially based, chances are we will always feel the pressure to keep up with Jones’ clock or is it now the Kardashians?  If it is internally based, most likely we are capable of making independent decisions and not bend under pressure. We tend to accept ourselves and are able celebrate our achievements no matter how small or how late they come in life.  
• The Social clock is not a time bomb that is waiting to explode unless we detonate it.  No, that actually is stuff for movies!  We should not allow pressure push us into desperate, dangerous and regrettable situations.

“Don’t watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.”

Sam Levenson

Be it by sheer luck, merit or unmerited favour our lives will continue to unfold and milestones will be reached while some will not. If we cannot reach some, that should not make us feel unworthy or hopeless. We have to keep going but at the same time be mindful of not getting too consumed by watching the clock and thereby failing to have fulfilling lives. My son always says, there is more to time than we give credit. Am still trying to wrap my mind around that statement!

Thank you for stopping by.