Over the years I have developed interesting connections with some of the people I meet along my running route. In my mind I always call them, “ The Usual Suspects” because of the regularity with which I bump into them. I bet they must also have a name for me. Some have become friends because we stop and chat but with some its simply, ” a smile, a wave and pass on”. Unfortunate events have however made this week a sad one for me. During my morning run I got to learn that one of my friends passed away three weeks ago due to Covid19 complications. I had been wondering why I had not been meeting him of late. The fact it took me that long to know also pained me.

A very sociable person he was and used call me his sister every time we met. Being a pensioner, he took morning walks to the shops in order to buy some items and then walk back home. If not that, I would find him outside his gate watering his flowers and talking to passer-bys. When I had time I would stop for a chat and to update each other on current affairs. The last discussion we had was on Covid19 vaccinations and he seemed unsure about them. Now I wonder if he had gotten his jab. Amongst the Usual Suspects and my friends he became the second loss just this year alone.

I also met my close friend and exercise buddy the same way. She was walking ahead of me and as leisurely as someone on the fashion runway. When I caught up with her and about to walk past, she greeted me. All I could see were big and expensive looking sunglasses and someone hiding behind them. In my mind I was saying, “Girl, give us some serious!” When I greeted her back, she asked if we could walk together as it was her first time. From that point and for years to come we became inseparable. Those who kept seeing us would enquire about the whereabouts of the other if one of us happened to be alone. She turned out to be a much needed fun loving friend.  And by the way, I never got to see those big sunglasses on the route again. 

Research has shown that as human beings we are social creatures and wired to belong. Relationships we have with ourselves and others provide meaning and purpose in our lives. They are also the cornerstone to fulfilment and happiness. In my previous posts I have to gone to great lengths highlighting the benefits of exercising . For most of us exercise is serious business where you gotta do what needs be done with as few distractions and then get to reap the benefits.  One unexpected benefit which I also feel deserves attention is that of connecting with others.

As an individual wired to stay in my shell most times, I have surprised myself by  number of connections I have made during my runs. These include school children, lady vendors with stalls along the route, domestic workers, security guards on and off duty, people walking their dogs, exercising couples or lone rangers like me. These have shown me a different face of human connection which is genuine and meaningful.

Pathways to Genuine Human Connection

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger when in a lonely place…..

-Native American Chief, Tecumseh 

The first time we meet as strangers we may not even acknowledge one another. We may treat each other as invisible, probably as an act of self preservation. It is human nature to treat that which you do not know with fear and suspicion. The more familiar one becomes, the less threatening.Time brings along a smile, a wave and a verbal greeting and some conversation. Not everyone is however wired to be that open and friendly. The body language is enough to tell you to keep your greeting to yourself no matter how many times you meet.  

A greeting says, “I see and respect you as another human being”. Not only is greeting others a decent thing to do, I  also discovered  that every time you acknowledge each other you get this elation that also raises your energy levels.  That is the power of genuine human connection.

Strategic Connections

My daughter taught me something very interesting about relationships. She said young people tend to engage in what are called strategic friendships or “clout chasing”. For one to socially get ahead, like a leech one has to stick around popular individuals. The next move is to have as many pictures taken with them and then post on social media. That way you are instantly transformed from being a zero to a hero. Out of curiosity I asked her whether such relationships were meaningful and the answer was that most young people are more concerned with collecting as many likes and as many followers. The more the likes the happier you become, which I found rather worrisome. How do you create meaningful and satisfying connections with thousands of people whom you will never get to meet in real life?

This is not only about young people, us the older ones also succumb to the same pressure. The basis of our human connection is shaped by how the other person can help me get ahead. Self interest comes first as opposed to meaningful relationships. This reminds me of informal traders and their tendency to size up potential customers before naming the price of their product. If you appear like you can easily afford they put the price up and vice versa. It is not a surprise that those who catch on end up haggling. With some relationships, your value to the other person goes up if you appear to have what they want.  

Meaningful connections

Character is how you treat those who can do nothing for you.

Of the Usual Suspects, the friends I have made have taught me the valuable lesson of simply and genuinely connecting with others.

Smile and the world smiles with you: It is said that a smile is the shortest distance between two people. Experience has  also taught me that a smile is the simplest ice-breaker when it comes to building a relationship.

Taking off your hat : They say doffing your hat when greeting someone is a sign of respect. I believe it also takes you down by a peg or two in humility. Over the years I have seen school children grow right before my eyes. Walking to or from school and from the first shy encounters, they have transformed into confident individuals who are ready to share their schooling experiences with me as well as their hopes and aspirations. Because of that relationship I was so touched when one day I found a young friend waiting to give me a lovely hat he had woven from grass. Another friend could not wait to introduce her parents to me when we met.

 An even happier moment came beginning of this year  when these young people started High School. On their first day I bumped into them looking so smart in new uniform and eager to commence another phase in their lives. Like Polonius to Laertes, the parent in me could not help but give some last minute advice and then wave them off. The whole idea of taking off your hats symbolically means putting aside our statuses be they work related, societal  etc,  so that we can genuinely connect with others  And yes, we can be friends with children as long as we are prepared to come down to their level.  

Giving:  The first time I bumped into her I could not help but notice how beautiful this lady was. Also looking smart in her uniform, I deduced that she was employed in the neighborhood as a maid. I used to meet her walking home after knocking off. Initially she would call me, “Madam” when we met until I reminded her that I was not her employer. We would then laugh about it, then we resolved to call each other by our children’s names. The times she spotted me behind her she would slow down for me to catch up. We would walk together for some distance, then I would bid farewell and run off.  We talked about life and about our children. She even introduced her children to me and would sometimes ask for advice to do with their education. I did the best I could to help. When she learnt how much I loved pumpkin leaves she would bring me some, fresh from her garden. Unfortunately pandemic challenges forced her to quit her job and relocate to her rural home. I miss the laughter we used to share and her cheerfulness was breath of fresh air.

Give from the bottom of your heart, not from the top of your purse.

-Anon

Trust: I also struck a friendship with a lady who owns a vending stall. Even though deemed illegal, these stalls are commonly dotted along streets. City authorities appear to have turned a blind eye to such. For years this lady has been selling sweets, cigars, vegetables and other smalls. On my way back home I sometimes stop at her stall for a quick hello and to grab a packet of popcorn with the promise that I would bring the money the next time I pass by. Even when I forget to, she still trusts me enough to pay later. Because of that trust, I will remain her customer.

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

– George Macdonald

Respect: One of the Usual Suspects is into walking as a form of exercising. For the year I have known him we have never talked and yet when we meet he always presses his hands together as if in prayer and then bows his head at me. In my mind I am thinking that he must be “Namaste-ing”.  Namaste is a Hindu gesture of respectfully greeting and honouring the other person. The spirituality behind the gesture, makes one feel safe. Of course I cannot Namaste and run at the same time else I would find myself kissing the tarmac.I simply salute in acknowledgement of a member of the fitness tribe.

Resilience: I have profound respect for this elderly lady who is also another regular. She must be in her 80s, frail looking and walking with the aid of a stick, she religiously takes early morning walks. Every time we meet she calls me, “glamorous lady”. In my mind am thinking the word “glamorous” was the buzz in the 80s and then I see Joan Collins/ Alexis from the TV series, Dynasty. That was back when shoulder pads were in vogue.But in this moment am dry- lipped  and sweaty and not feeling glamorous at all but surely the compliment spurs me on.

It is her I admire the most. Sometime last year her main house and its entire contents went up in flames as a result of some random bush fire that encroached on to her property. That seemingly did not bring her down for long. Every morning she gets up, dresses up and shows up for her walks. What a spirit!

Looking out for each other:  Even though I run alone, this is one route that makes me feel safe because the familiar people will somehow look out for me. If I stop being a regular they are the kind that would try to find out what will have happened to me. When my friend relocated and I started running by myself, they kept asking about her. I got to know about the deaths of some Usual Suspects through these regulars. From point to point there may be some familiar face who would stop to say hello or share some news. Only last week one regular told me to be on the look out for vicious dogs from that so and so house that tend to escape and then harass passer-bys. We may not know each other by name but we surely know how to describe each other. As always you get it. We have become that connected.

The feel good factor of connecting

According to scientists, Oxytocin is a feel good hormone we release when we experience that warm and fuzzy feeling.  It is said to lower stress and anxiety as well regulating our emotions and social behavior with regards to bonding and communication. Now, this explains why these social encounters leave me feeling good and even more energized for the run. In my experience if connections do not feel genuine and meaningful they somehow leave you drained. I have learnt that these encounters are clearly not a waste of time, they actually are beneficial to my overall well-being. In return, I hope I also bring meaning to my Usual Suspects friends.

May you also come to meet such genuine people in this lifetime. Namaste.