Parenting is never an easy job and what makes it worse is that there is no manual. Most times you learn as you go and then keep hoping and praying that the children will come out fine. My son must have been 10 years old when he taught me a valuable lesson. On that day I was berating him about some errant behaviour. There I was, going on and on as he calmly watched me and the next thing I felt were his two fingers on my forehead.  Taken aback asked him what he was doing, then he said he was measuring the length of my frown. Really, I had an outstanding frown? Speechless I rushed to the mirror to check and yep, there it was! A furrow so deep farmer John would not have done a better job with his plough. Judging from the look , it seemed to have crept there and became a permanent fixture right across  my forehead. The worst part was that I was not even aware of it. How and when did it get there?

When my son made me aware of my frown I felt the need to smooth it out else I would have a perpetually emoji like displeased face. No amount of anti-wrinkle cream could erase this type of frown. It had to be an inside job. If the mirror is being honest with me, I have seem to have made some progress. And so, how well do we know ourselves? Can we confidently say we are brim-full with self awareness?

What is Self Awareness?

Expert psychologists say that self awareness involves being aware of different aspects of the self which include traits, behaviours and feelings. Self awareness helps you better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave in a certain way.  Self awareness is important and empowering because :

• When we understand ourselves better we are able to stand on our own and appreciate ourselves as unique individuals. This also gives us the capacity to build on our areas of strengths and in areas where we have limitations, we can work on making adjustments and improvements.
•  We become more self accepting and sure of ourselves. The world we are living in is now globalised and a melting pot of diversity. We are at that point where are aware of the differences in all of us and learning to tolerate each other. Because tolerance is a reflection of positivity, there are so many movements that promote self acceptance. Some focus on positive body mages, embracing your skin colour and ethnicity, embracing your gender and sexual orientation etc. All these are a result of self awareness.    
• Since no man is an island unto himself, self awareness helps us build healthy relationships with others. With self awareness you begin to own your feelings, attitudes and behaviour instead of allowing yourself to be at the whim of other people’s. When we are responsible for our feelings and actions, we no longer perceive ourselves as victims.

When you can’t change the direction of the wind, adjust your sails.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Are we ready for feedback?

We are not born completely self aware, this develops over time through the feedback we get as a result of inter and intrapersonal interactions. While levels of self- awareness increase with age and experience, I believe they also increase as a result of the type of feedback we get .

A story has it that the founder of Buddhism (circa 5^th century BC), was a Hindu prince called Siddhata Gautama. Born into a wealthy family his father made sure he lived a sheltered life that did not expose him to religious teachings and the knowledge of human suffering so that he would become a great king. The day he was permitted to go outside the palace walls the father made sure that any image of social ills was removed from his sight. However the more the prince ventured outside, the more likely were his chances of coming across some human suffering.  After witnessing such unfortunate circumstances the prince renounced his position and wealth to seek spiritual enlightenment and his teachings became the foundations of Buddhism. Can you imagine the kind of feedback he could have been getting as a sheltered future king? What kind of king would he have been to his subjects without any knowledge of human suffering?  

How would you like your feedback – Rare, Medium or Well done?

Lets us admit that when it comes to feedback, most of us would prefer it positive. Negative feedback is difficult to receive and digest. What is worse is that when it is served raw or insensitively it can be a blow to our self-esteem. It feels like an attack on our person. It also makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. We begin to perceive ourselves as failures, we self doubt, feel insecure and sorry for ourselves, etc. Feedback lacking in sensitivity tends to leave long lasting scars on us.

Both negative and positive feedback are good for our growth. Negative feedback helps us to be more self aware and to deal with our blinds spots or limitations.  However negative feedback should be constructive.

When training to be a professional counsellor, self awareness is important for so many reasons. Some of them being that it makes one conscious of their potential blind spots and triggers that might render counselling ineffective. Self awareness is one of the topics I enjoy teaching. After a couple of days of familiarity and interaction, I ask students to put their names in a basket and randomly pick the name of another classmate.They write down what they have come to know about that classmate in the form of constructive feedback.  With the feedback in a basket, I get to read out what will have been anonymously written about each one of them.  The result is some interesting revelations as each one of them discovers qualities and traits they never knew they possessed. 

The Johari Window

This is a technique that helps people understand the emotional and physical relationship with the self and other people. It was created by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham in 1955. While we use this instrument  in training, it can also be used in other settings. The Johari window has four panes and each  represents the self and the self in relation to how others perceive us. What is the whole point of the Johari window? 

• Open area or “the arena”: Is what the person knows about them-self and what is known by others with regards to behavior, attitude, feelings, knowledge, skills of that individual. For example, you and I know that I am a blogger, therapist and am passionate about personal development.
• Blind area, blind self or “blindspot”:  What is unknown by the person about them-self but which others know.  In this area one is ignorant about the self and in some cases deluded. Some would say because they are out of touch with what is on the ground, dictators are delusional. For example our former president, Robert Mugabe while responding to reports of acute fuel shortages and economic mismanagement in Zimbabwe, he dared people to go and lie on the streets and see if they are not run over by cars. Seeking or being open to feedback can reduce this area and increase self awareness.
• Hidden area or “façade”: What the person knows about the self that others do not know.  This can include motivations one may have but does not reveal to others, like sensitivities, fears, hidden agendas, secrets etc.  This reminds me of our facade on social media. The posts on Facebook, instagram etc will only present what the sender wants you to see. We will never know what is really behind the scenes thus presenting an incomplete picture. To reduce this area while increasing the open area, self disclosure is encouraged. This will help others understand us better. There is however the danger of over- exposure or what young people call, “TMI” (too much information). It is important that we be cognizant of the context in which we are self disclosing, that is where, when and to whom. Disclosure has to be relevant. But then again what are our reasons for self disclosure? Do you know that some self disclosure has manipulative intentions?

When I was doing group therapy with survivors of political violence some years back, a representative from the international agency that was funding our program happened to have visited the country. She sat in one of our sessions and as the women shared their traumatic experiences, it was so touching that half way through the session almost all 20 of them broke down. There was so much weeping that anyone in the next room was bound to hear it. This went uninterrupted for almost 15 minutes. Before that I had had sessions with other groups and yes, some survivors broke down. However this experience left me asking myself, “What the heck happened in there?” Just saying…….

• Unknown area or unknown self: What is unknown by the person about the self and also unknown by others. Lack of experience or self –belief put us in this area. We can only know what we are capable or incapable of when we are exposed to a certain experience. Women who snap and kill their abusive partners in self defence will have had no idea of that capability.

Looking at the person in the mirror

A lot of relationships have been strained or seriously damaged because of the way we give feedback. Fortunate are those of us who learn from that and try to change. There are those of us, who would tell you that dishing out feedback insensitively is in our DNA therefore, “Grow some thick skin”. But what does that say about us?

According psychologists, projection is a defence mechanism in which we unconsciously take unwanted emotions or traits we do not like about ourselves and attributing them to someone else.  It may be anger, bitterness, unhappiness, fear, insecurity, self doubt , addictions etc. These traits are likely to come out as destructive feedback to others. This means that the way we give others feedback can be a reflection of who we are.

 I have also observed that our diction or choice of words is a powerful indicator of who we are. I always wonder why we would choose to use a certain word when there are others words or phrases that would give the receiver a soft landing. For example, instead of telling someone that they are “dull or foolish”,  can we not say they have challenges with comprehension? Just saying.  Why do we seem to enjoy using harmful words on others? Some serious self introspection leading to self awareness is needed.

The words you speak become the house you live in.

Hafiz

In Systemic  therapy we believe that the problem is the problem and the person is not the problem. By externalizing the problem, we are preventing the practice of labelling others and burdening them with issues that do not contribute to their true identity.

Have you also noticed that for those of us with a penchant for dishing out insensitive feedback, when someone tries to return the favour we get all defensive if not ready to attack? If we can not receive negative feedback graciously we close ourselves off from the opportunity to learn and grow.

How did you find the feedback Ma’am?

My son was rather playful in Junior High and the feedback we got from his teachers about his performance would make you go ballistic. He once brought home a terrible report book and I was so mad. I told him at that rate he was going to be failure in life. He quietly waited for me to exhaust all the failure related vocabulary I could think of and then he calmly said, “I will make you swallow your words!”. Up to today I am ashamedly swallowing my words by the bucket! 

Be careful what you say. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later the wounds are still there. 

Joel Osteen