Here we are, having survived the Coronavirus pandemic thus far and hopefully still be alive to celebrate Christmas and be ushered into 2021. It has been a hectic year for every one of us.  However, our sense of humour did not desert us.  People say that 2020 has only had three months, January, February and March while the rest of the months are a mess like tangled wool. Entanglement aside, we are already in a festive mood and busy making plans. That is the beauty of the human spirit, we keep hope alive.

As the days move towards Christmas, we look forward to spending time with family and friends. With the pandemic still hanging over our heads and the threat of the second wave, I wonder about the practicality of social distancing. Times like these people cross oceans, rivers and borders, while some travel from cities to their villages just to be with family. There is so much anticipation because family is an important element in one’s life. Truth be told, we also dread these reunions because of some unsavoury dramas that may play out. The mixture of anticipation and dread has that bittersweet taste like the salt and sugar solution meant to stop diarrhoea. Yes we love them, but family sometimes gives us that queasy diarrheal feeling!

Family reunions are emotional minefields that can leave you on edge and drained instead of refreshed. Magnets have north and south poles and the law of magnets states that like poles repel and unlike poles attract. The magnetic field is the area around a magnet where the magnetic force can attract to it a nearby piece of iron. In turn the iron acquires the ability to attract other pieces of iron. Imagine magnets being people, the magnetic field being our emotions and the magnetic force being our relationships.  I shudder to think about unlike poles attract in conflict.

If you thought  that one person plus another make two, think again!  It’s actually two people plus what is happening between them , therefore 1+1=3. There is more that happens between people than meets the eye.  Three people including their relationships make six. Imagine the volatility within an emotional field when there are more people. If relationships are not handled well or if boundaries are not respected it becomes a field of conflict and strained relationships.

Relationship Boundaries

There are different relationship styles in families, extended included. They are influenced by the operating boundaries which may be rigid or diffuse/unclear or healthy/clear.

 Families That Polarize

These are characterized by rigid boundaries:

• Members are particular about hierarchy and the position one holds in the family has to be respected. Family dynamics are generally determined by the one who has executive powers be it a family elder or some member who has assumed the position of power. Communication has to follow the proper channels. Decisions are made from top to bottom and most times there is no room for negotiation.  
• Members are expected to tow the line, therefore independence is not greatly encouraged.  One has to be conscious of how they behave so as not to threaten the status quo. One risks being ostracized or labelled as difficult should they decide to do things differently. Such a relationship style can create fear or insecurity as well as emotional distancing amongst family members.
• Hidden conflicts may exist amongst members creating an environment of suspicion and tension. Members may find it difficult to relate in a healthy way because they are busy side-eyeing each other, walking on eggshells and wondering when and in which direction the pin will drop.  For some, reunions become an opportunity to settle scores making environment ripe for fights or open conflicts.
• “Find a fall guy” syndrome is common in conflictual relationships.  People are not prepared to address the real issues between them therefore they take it out on some unfortunate member or the weakest link. He/she becomes the family scapegoat or “black sheep “.  This also happens when members are not prepared confront their own shadows or those members they consider powerful.
• In our Zimbabwean context, kangaroo courts are a common occurrence during family gatherings.  Issues to do with family are discussed and “problem people” are taken to task while others remain untouchable.  Some family members may be caught in between and forced to take sides. The saying goes, know which side your bread is buttered, case closed! What families do not realize is that the problem is not just one sided. It lies in how people are relating. Therefore scapegoating  does nothing but polarize, emotionally drain and frustrate members thereby straining relationships.

A story to share:

 As a little girl  it was the tradition for my family to travel to our village every year to spend Christmas with our relatives. We used to look forward to these holidays because our cousins would also be joining us. The village was the meeting point for our families. My father and his brothers would enjoy time together but still create time to discuss issues concerning the family. What I observed was that their  meetings would eventually morph into heated arguments. I vividly remember an incident when I accidentally stumbled into the “court room” and witnessed four brothers shouting at  one unlucky brother in a way that shocked my young and innocent mind. I felt sorry for my uncle and wondered what he could have done to deserve such reprimanding. Feeling hurt, I went and stood behind the house and began to cry.  My dad being the eldest used to say that such was the nature of their love for each other. I want to believe he could afford to say that because as the eldest he was generally untouchable. Wait until the shoe is on the other foot.

Families That Smother

The boundaries are diffuse, blurred or unclear and here is how:

• Members show each other excessive love and care to the point of smothering each other. There is also a lot of public display of affection (PDA), possessiveness and overprotection. The kind of smothering love that reminds me of a cousin who had a great dislike for those long doughnuts. With all that butter cream she said they were sweet in a sickening way. The suffocating love where someone warms up your jersey in the microwave for you to wear. 

• Excessive love stifles independence or self autonomy. Family members become involved in each other’s business in such a way that they make decisions for each other. They tend to over-consult each other. As a result members may lack confidence in themselves and are unsure of decisions they make on their own. The discouraging of privacy is such that when a member decides to do things on their own they are labelled a betrayer.
• Excessive love sometimes has elements of favouritism and the exclusion of others. Favouritism from parents can fuel sibling rivalry in which some children may carry deep seated or unresolved issues for many years.
• In such families members have issues which they are reluctant to address. No one is in charge or can call the family to the table. The more they smother each other with love, the more they feel everything is alright.

A story to share:

A man (let me call him Farai),and his family drive to the village to be with his widowed mother, his siblings and their families over the Christmas period. Upon seeing Farai the mother complains about how skinny he looks and voices out that his wife has not been feeding him properly. When the whole family sits down for dinner the mother invites Farai to sit next to her, and goes on to heap food onto his plate. As long as Farai is eating she keeps on adding some more. She even donates some from her plate murmuring that she needs to fatten him up a bit for the period he is home. Enjoying the attention and wanting to please his mother, Farai gobbles down the food. Everybody just observes in silence but his wife s fuming!

Families That Laugh Together

In such familes:

• Heirachy is observed and yet everyone feels respected no matter the title they answer to in the system.
•  Independence is allowed. Whereas with other families you are expected to beg, steal or borrow money in order to be with family, if a member cannot make it for various reasons it is not considered a snub or disobedience.
• They also tolerate the differences and imperfections in each other and thereby build each other up. They face their differences head on and deal with them amicably. They also deal with problematic issues only when the environment is conducive.
• They appreciate and respect togetherness and make sure they enjoy  their time together through various activities.
• They laugh together, at each other and at themselves.
• To minimise tension they communicate, communicate and communicate.

Wait A Minute! Let Us Face Reality

Families with healthy boundaries more so extended ones , are few and far. Most of us belong to families that polarize or smother or a mix of the three. We are all different personalities bound together as family therefore emotional fields we operate in can be messy or volatile. Don’t we have that uncle whom if you do not kneel before him (in a certain way), he will not accept that plate of food you are offering him? Or that aunt, whose entitled children can do no wrong in her eyes and therefore no one has the right to chide them and yet she enjoys chiding others’ children? Or the elderly aunt who keeps smacking you on the cheeks with unwelcome kisses and suffocating you with hugs every time you bump into her? And yet, they remain family. Come Christmas time we are together. If we are not a menace ourselves then we can learn to survive our families this way:

• If you are not emotionally up to it, be kind to yourself by excusing yourself. Christmas time is supposed to be time for rest, rejuvenation and merriment. It should not leave you emotionally and physically drained and thereby dreading the coming of the new year. However you better be brave enough to face the backlash.
• Should you choose to be with family, you can create alone time by doing things that help you release pressure and relax.
• During a tense moment or potential confrontation, choose to step away and cool down. You do not want to regret the words you will have uttered in moments of anger.
• If its a major issue wouldn’t  it be wise to agree to park it, enjoy being together until a convenient time comes for you to address it ?
• With small misunderstandings seek clarification.
• Know that some family members will never change and what can only change is YOU!  That is the way how you react to a situation and how you handle relationships.
• Keep your cool. Some issues are not about you but rather the person who believes they have an issue with you.

You cannot wish away a family relationship like the way soap washes off dirt. 

A Shona Proverb

I hope Santa gifts you with a truly Merry Xmas.

Enjoy your holiday and stay safe.