Let me take a moment to say, hello and compliments of the new season to you my dear readers. I hope 2021 will be kind to you despite the relentless Coronavirus pandemic. My condolences go to those who lost their loved ones to the pandemic as well as other causes in 2020 and in these few days of 2021. If you are here reading this post, it means you are still alive therefore let us be grateful for the gift of life. Being alive presently and from day to day means we are being presented with many chances at living. It means the possibility of bringing our dreams to fruition. Let us remember that we will pass this way only once, therefore let us not be afraid of living.
Guess it comes down to a simple choice really. Get busy living or get busy dying.
Andy Dufresne – The Shawshank Redemption
“Death by Chocolate” is the name given to all things chocolate, especially cakes and desserts that have chocolate as the main ingredient. I am one person who used to have a serious sweet tooth and loved all things chocolate. So beautiful is the feeling of chocolate melting in your mouth. Feels like you have died and been transported to some chocolate heaven. There are a number of benefits chocolate has to our health, one of them being that it helps reduce stress. Makes sense to me. Chocolate used to be my go-to comfort snack during stressful times as well as my indulgence. And yet excessive consumption of such sweetness is not good for our health, in fact you might literally eat your way to death. Moderation is the key word. Exercising moderation also enables us draw healthy boundaries in our relationships. It is about loving and respecting others enough to allow them the space to be themselves. Failure to let go can make us suffocate each other. Death by “love”.
“ I will love you to death”- The fine art of suffocation
Many years back there was a workmate of mine whose relationship with her husband was something to admire if not envy. We were young, starting off in our careers and newly married. Back then having a car was quite an achievement since most young couples would still be saving for one. Every morning the lady would be dropped off at work by her husband who would also pick her up at the end of the day. The times we finished work at lunchtime, he would pick her up, drop her at home and head back to his office. This would all happen within the lunch hour where as some of us had public transport to contend with. What a gallant man he was, we thought!
Every Valentine’s day, the lady would have beautiful flower bouquets delivered at work. Out of all the staff members, hers would be the biggest and most beautiful and in most instances the only one delivered. Let us be honest, you either admired such chivalry or you were full of envy. (By the way, how are we going to celebrate Valentine’s in this pandemic? Any suggestions?). Anyway, we kept wondering about the secret behind such a loving relationship. Then we were so young and starry-eyed! Almost 12 years into the marriage, couple got divorced. Sharing her story, the lady said that from the word go the husband was so overly- possessive, controlling and physically abusive. He used to police her movements and would beat daylights out of her every chance he got. So what was that show all about?
In hindsight I realized that they had unhealthy boundaries, what we saw as love was in fact control. Whereas some of us could afford to go shopping in the city center after work, our workmate was never allowed that freedom. Like a piece luggage, the husband expected to find her where he had dumped her. If it was not at work, them it had to be at home, period. While we might go into denial and perceive it as love and care, it became clear to me that the lady had no breathing space. Love does not control you nor does it suffocate and stunt your growth.
Love allows us the freedom to bloom
While the man was busy buying beautiful blooms for his wife, he did not allow the person to grow and bloom. It is common in toxic relationships that when one feels remorseful about their abusive behavior towards the partner they will go out of their way to try and regain love, trust and acquiescence by showering him/her with gifts or suffocating affection. I choose to call it, “Prepping someone for the next round of abuse”. The prepping is a form of manipulation and control, it makes you a sitting duck to abuse. Just when you are starting to get comfortable things take an about-turn. A cycle of violence which keeps turning like a wheel will have been established.
Word of caution: If you meet someone who promises to love you to death, run away with your life!
“Catch me if you can”- the Pursuer –Distancer dynamic
A short story goes,
Every morning in Africa a gazelle wakes up and knows that it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed and eaten. Also every morning in Africa a lion wakes up and knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
Some relationships are always about hot pursuit. This means non-stop chasing and arm twisting of a person by their partner so that they can bow to the demands for love and attention. Emotional blackmailing includes the use of tools like tantrums, crying, being needy and clingy to gain attention. Out of the fear of being denied the space to self differentiate and to breathe, the person being pursued will find ways to distance themself. The concept of self preservation has taught us that when danger is in hot pursuit we run fast with our lives in order to create distance between us. Distancing tools may include moodiness, stone walling, silent treatment and irritability. We call it the Pursuer-Distancer dynamic.
Not only does this happen to couples, but in parent- child relationships. A client once complained that her children were ignoring her texts. Her children were studying abroad and she had established a policy where she expected them to communicate with her at least twice a day, that is mornings and evenings. This worked for some time until the children realized that they had their own lives to lead and needed independence. They decided to cut the “umbilical cord” by not having those daily chats .
When they did not respond to her texts the mother took to calling them. When they did not pick up her calls she asked her sister who lived in the same country as the children to go and check on them. The more the mother pursued, the more children distanced themselves from her suffocating love. Out of desperation death threats were issued, “You will miss me when I am gone.” But years later, she still is alive!
The importance of giving each other space
Everyone wants to enjoy healthy doses love and closeness but if its excessive it becomes sickly sweet and chances are that there are some control and possessiveness issues involved. In such a relationship someone is not allowed to be themselves or self differentiate. Their identity is absorbed and they become an extension of the person who is in control of the relationship. This reminds me of how people make fun of couples that dress up in similar attires. People say that one of them is definitely holding tight to the keys of that relationship. Being controlling and overly possessive is a reflection of our own insecurities. Staying in such a toxic relationship even though we do not enjoy it and yet doing nothing about it also speaks to our insecurities.
Space is about establishing healthy boundaries just as it is about respecting the other person. It is about psychological and physical boundaries that give us a sense of security, privacy and the room to be ourselves. Have you ever queued at a supermarket cash point and the person behind you is standing too close you can actually hear them breathing. Because such proximity poses a threat to our sense of security and comfort levels, you end up taking a step forward in order to increase the distance between you. Thank goodness for social distancing! This excessive closeness can also happen in relationships.
The awareness and respect of space has something to do with our attachment styles as we grew up. Were we brought up in an environment that encouraged independence or self autonomy? Or, was it an environment that did not promote self differentiation and as such we end up being needy and clingy? Such characteristics can also be brought into our adult relationships. Being allowed space helps raise confidence levels and builds emotional strength. Self awareness is therefore a good starting point in learning to give space.
In a relationship there is no harm in having different interests and having the freedom to do your own thing. I remember a time when newly married women were advised to take a keen interest in their husbands’ hobbies so that you could spend time together. Take for example watching soccer, the husband ends up having to explain everything about the game to the wife. Sometimes he has to repeat himself such that he never gets to enjoy the match in peace. Talk about suffocation! Come next match, he will make sure he watches it away from home. I tried that once and that one match was too much for me. I failed to understand the game nor did I enjoy it. I decided pursue my own interests thereby creating my own space. When someone asks for space it may not mean rejection and neither should we take it personally.
Do you know that healthy silence between two people may just be the space needed? Let us not be afraid of silence, it makes good company. However if we find ourselves feeling suffocated , it is important to express our need for space to those we are in a relationships with. When we choose to spend time alone, that does not mean we are anti-social, we just need the space to breathe.
If are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company.
Jean-Paul Sartre
If direct communication fails or proves to be difficult let us seek outside help. Therapy for example, can empower us with the necessary skills to maneuver the treacherous terrain of our relationships. Allowing the situation to fester like a wound, is like a slow and painful death by suffocation.
We all need the space to grow
I have an avocado tree in my garden which gave me fruit in abundance last year. For many months the tree kept giving delicious avocados and yet before it never used to produce much. This had me wondering what could have changed. When I took a good look I realized that it used to be overshadowed by other trees and therefore failed to access enough sunshine. This stunted its growth and its capacity to produce quality fruit. Now it is a very tall tree, towering above others. I could even see some avocados high up the tree and one could not afford harvesting them without risking some broken bones after a precipitous fall. The tree had fought for its place in the sun. When it got the space, it thrived and produced fruit in abundance. The moral of the story being that, space allows us to grow, to realize our full potential and gain freedom to be ourselves. Let us not deny each other that.