The death of Chadwick Boseman on the 28th of August shook the world because no one saw it coming. No one knew that for years he had been battling cancer. I came to know about Boseman when he played T’Challa in “Black Panther”. When the movie premiered it was a hit and being an all black ensemble, it made us proud. Some people had characters in the movie that they could identify with. I remember my son coming home for the holidays spotting Boseman crow’s peak hairstyle. That is how much of a role model he was to some young people. A week before his death I had watched his outstanding performance in a movie called, “A message from the King”. When I learnt about his passing on, it pained me. I reached out to my son to find out if he had heard the news. He had and so was equally pained.

Tributes poured out from all over the world. Aged 43, Boseman was gone too soon. Testimonies revealed that he had touched people’s lives in a positive way. His humility despite the fame and his positivity as he secretly battled with cancer is something I will never forget. Boseman’s pictures during his last days showed an emaciated man. People were quick to notice that and scathing comments were posted. Some were quick to conclude that he must have been doing drugs while others were deeply concerned and curious to know what was happening to him. Boseman chose to remain quiet about his condition.

His death got me thinking about how communication can make or break relationships. Without realizing it and even when well intentioned, the way we communicate can hurt us or those we love and eventually strain relationships. An old proverb goes, there is many a slip between the cup and the lip. This means that anything can happen in the time gap between two occurrences. In communication as well, anything can happen between sending and deciphering a message. If the message is not clear or not well understood, this can result in communication breakdown.  

What Can Lead To Communication Breakdown?

We Just Do Not Listen!

The feeling that someone is not listening can hurt our feelings. You feel disrespected or even invisible to that person. Every one of us wants to be listened to and yet we are generally poor listeners. It is easy to tell whether someone is not listening just as it is for the other person to observe that you are also guilty of the same crime. Listening is not just about lending an ear, it involves giving ourselves to the process. It also involves the power of observation, as we listen to what is being said and what is left unsaid.

• Body Language

A workmate  I once shared an office with enjoyed talking so much that when she had the stage, she could go on and on. The best I could do to show that I was listening was shake my head or utter encouragements. The times I felt I had something interesting to share and as soon as I started to, she would start yawning. Observing that a couple of times, I felt that I must be a terrible conversationalist if the best I could do was send someone to sleep. Maybe she was tired from all the talking! The point I am driving at is that her body language was enough to tell me that she had switched off and was not listening. Just to confirm, many a time she could not even remember what I had shared whereas I could summarise her stories.

In addition, we cannot afford to multi-task if we want to be effective listeners. For instance, trying to listen to someone as we are going through our phones or watching TV, does not work. 

• Interruption And The Competition For space

Interrupting someone mid-sentence or before they have finished sharing, is doing more harm than good. We are sending the message that we are too impatient to listen or already know what the other person is going to say. There are also instances when are itching to share our own story because, “Mine is more interesting than yours.” When we cut others off in that manner we are also invalidating their feelings or views and that is very annoying.

I once attended a family function where one of the members was well known for lengthy speeches. His turn came, and not too far into the speech some family members started clapping and cheering as if he had finished speaking. Sheepishly, he had to leave the podium.  I must have been an embarrassing experience for him.

“When you talk you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new”

(Dalai Lama)

• We Tend To Make Assumptions

Experts in body language say that a smile is something that is universally recognizable. On the other hand, there are forms of body language and even words that are culture or context specific. Breakdown in communication can occur if we take things at face value.

My early days of training, a supervisor had to sit in and observe my sessions. My client started sharing a very sad story and then he suddenly broke out in laughter. Assuming that he wanted lighten the situation I joined him. After the session my supervisor told me there was more to the laughter if only I had sought the meaning behind it instead of joining in. The feeling that I could have unwittingly laughed at his pain made me cringe for days. Some of our statements and actions are mere smokescreens and we have to be keen observers to guard against making wrong assumptions.

“It’s not always the tears that measure the pain. Sometimes it’s the smile we fake.

• We Quickly Jump To Conclusion

When people saw Boseman’s pictures, some were quick to conclude that he was abusing drugs and the case was closed. We also fail to listen by jumping to conclusion. Even before we can hear the full story we quickly come up with a verdict and then we switch off from the rest. As a result our responses are judgmental since they are informed by our own beliefs and experiences. We then resort to criticizing, moralizing and preaching. When we take that high ground we feed shame and guilt onto others.

• We Disempower Others

There is the possibility that Boseman did not publicise his condition because he knew people’s responses would disempower him. He must have known that once people got to know, he would have been inundated with so much sympathy. Even though he was that loved, he might not have wanted to be the object of pity. Sympathy, despite our good intentions has a way of disempowering its target. It turns the target into a victim, steals all the fight from, and leaves them feeling helpless and hopeless. When we sympathise, we act as if the situation is untenable. Yes he battled cancer in private, but in our eyes he was a hero, the King of Wakanda! His was a hero’s fight until he met his very end.

• We Either Minimize Or Maximize

We either trivialise someone’s situation or blow it out of proportion. Ways in which we respond to life challenges are unique to each one of us. What is a big deal to me might not be so to the next person. Maximizing or minimizing someone’s situation is the same as imposing your feelings on the other person and telling them that they are not entitled to theirs. Lack of validation and being patronized is not a good space to be.

In a couple’s conflict, the wife may accuse her husband of minimizing hers feelings. The husband on the other hand may feel that she is blowing things out of proportion. The two become trapped in a vicious circle where the wife believes the husband is insensitive and he thinks she is being over dramatic. The situation escalates further and further because no one is listening to the other.

How Can We Listen?

“Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self”

(Dean Jackson)

For starters, let it be noted that nature has given us one mouth for speaking and two ears for listening. We are also not gifted with mind reading skills.

• Being Open-minded

This means setting aside our personal interests in favor of those of the person we are listening to. Our personal interests are shaped by our beliefs, attitudes and life experiences. If what other people do or say does not align with our beliefs or values, we end up judging, criticizing, assuming superiority and thereby telling others how to live their lives.

• Seek Clarification

Seek to understand instead being quick to give an opinion or an answer. By asking someone to further explain their statement or action can help bring clarity. It prevents us from making dangerous assumptions and in turn makes someone appreciate that we are taking an interest in their welfare.

• Sympathy vs Empathy

Sympathy disempowers and the best we can do is empathise. It means we do not just listen to the words, but how they are used, the tone and the body language. It is also the ability to hear everything including that which is not said in words. When someone loses their loved one, as long as we are not psychopaths we are bound feel the pain of loss with them. This is totally different from pity. Empathising says, ‘I may not understand the depths of your pain but I am with you’ whereas pity says, ‘I feel sorry for the hopeless you.’

• Suggestion vs  Advice

Advice is, “Do as I say or do it my way as it is informed by on my own experiences”. A suggestion gives someone the choice of taking it up or not. Let it be noted that each one of us is an expert of his or her own life. What we see or hear from someone is just the tip of an iceberg, we will never get the full picture but effective listening may allow us to get a closer view. Personally speaking, unsolicited advice gets my goat. And so please, help me weigh the pros and cons of options available to me instead of advising. And that simply starts with listening!

Let Us Take Time To Listen

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them” 

(Ralph Nichols)

Clients generally confess that therapy sessions provide them the much needed space to be listened to. Some simply come to empty out and when done they leave feeling much better. That is why it is called, “The Listening Cure”. In a world where there is so much noise and where no one is listening to the other, we can try to provide listening with a difference. When we lend ourselves to the process, we get to learn a lot as well build healthier relationships.

Please note: This is Part 1 in Effective Listening. Be on the watch out for more posts.

Thank you for stopping by.