I enjoy listening to Mary J.  Blige’s music. A few days ago I happened to be listening to her songs and one of them really struck me.  “No more drama”, is a song with a powerful message and then of course there is Blige’s beautiful  voice accompanied by an awesome bassline. I couldn’t help it but listen to the song many times over. You can tell that Mary J. Blige is really singing her heart out. It got me thinking that the woman must have had some serious life struggles. Thanks to Google, I learnt that Blige has serious scars dating back to her childhood. Her life was marred by sexual abuse, domestic violence, abusive relationships, drugs and alcohol abuse and self hatred.  These are typical ingredients for a life of victimhood. Her life was filled with so much drama but at some point she managed to turn it around.

 Drama is about manipulating others so that our personal issues can be acted out on others or allowing ourselves to be manipulated for the same reasons. The power and control issues at play naturally flavour the drama with toxicity. There is family drama, be it as a unit or as an extended family. Couple drama involves married people or partners and social drama is the power play amongst friends or acquaintances. While there are people who seem to thrive on drama (the drama kings and queens), others find it emotionally draining and even traumatising.

As they say, life has a way of imitating art, or is the other way around?  If there is no conflict there is no drama. In a drama there sometimes have to be characters like the antagonist who happens to the bad guy and the protagonist is the good guy. For the story to be exciting these two characters have to be in a conflict of sorts before the story can reach a resolution.

Characters In Real Life Drama

There is always someone trying to manipulate or exert their power over the other person or persons.  The aggressor or even bully is the character with manipulative tendencies while the victim is the one who allow themselves to be under the toxic influence. The enabler is in some instances the third character, who encourages or enables negative behaviour. The aggressor and the enabler blame the victim for whatever is happening. They make the victim feel guilty. On the other hand the victim blames others for the situation he or she is in. They see themselves as too helpless to change the situation and thus end up feeling sorry for themselves. When they take the fall, self blame and self hate are some of the feelings they experience.

Aggression can be normalized in such a way that someone might not realize that they are being victimized.  Our social, traditional and even religious beliefs have a way of shaping our attitudes about what is acceptable or not. Harriet Tubman was a black American woman born into slavery and when she escaped, she was brave enough to be able to go back and rescue other enslaved people. 

‘’ I freed a thousand slaves I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves.”  (Harriet Tubman)

Relationship Boundaries

The boundaries in our relationships will determine how the script plays out. Boundaries are invisible lines that limit our actions and behaviour and they are both physical and emotional. Physical boundaries have to do with your body, privacy and personal space. Emotional boundaries involve having autonomy over your feelings and separating your feelings from the next person. Healthy emotional boundaries protect your self-esteem and identity as an individual.

Rigid boundaries:   Are lacking in compromise or there is no room for negotiation. What I say is the final word, you either take it or leave it. In a parenting relationship, the parent knows best. Threats, fear and emotional distance are what drive the drama. The end result can be rebellion.

Diffuse or unclear boundaries:  There are no rules or norms.  In a family no one seems to be in authority and the parents seem to have abdicated their parenting role. There is excessive emotional closeness and sometimes too much involvement in each other’s business thereby denying each other privacy and independence. Rigid and diffuse boundaries are unhealthy ways of interaction.

Clear boundaries:  These are healthy boundaries. They foster effective communication, rules are clear and there is respect for one another. With flexibility in the emotional relationships, there is a balance in independence and individuality. It can be difficult for most of us to negotiate or realign boundaries because we are afraid of the consequences to our relationships.

 The Family Drama

The problem child: Is the target for the aggressor and other family members may become enablers.  Unbeknown to the family, the problem person is the symptom bearer of problems existing in marital or family relationships.  These are problems members are not  be prepared to deal with. The drama always plays out the same way, when there is a problem in the family, focus shifts to the problem child, the weakest link who gets to act out the symptoms.

There may also be the perfect child, “the blue eyed one” within the family whom the problem child is always being pressured to emulate. Negative messages leave the target feeling unloved, filled with self blame and hate. Feeling too helpless to change the situation they may act out by developing mood or personality disorders, engage in reckless behaviour or become suicidal.

The Child Emperor: Is the one who wields power in the family. Simply put, when the child sneezes the whole family catches a cold! She gets the most attention and the drama is played out as per her script. Some call it the “little emperor syndrome”. The child can easily guilt trip the parents, and in her arsenal, weapons range from mood swings to tantrums and tears.

The rebellious child: My beloved father comes to mind (may he rest in peace). Being a headmaster, instilling discipline was almost second nature to him. I now believe the man always brought his work home, judging by the way he instilled discipline in us. Whenever you asked for permission to go to town and meet your friends he would want to know exactly where you would be in case he decided to do some policing. He wanted to know your friends’ names and how long you would be in town. He also expected you to be home by a given time.

The first time, I flipped the script on him was when I was doing my ‘A’ levels. He asked about the time I got home and I told him that I did not have a watch therefore could not tell the time. I had lost my wristwatch at school and that was enough trouble in itself. Shocked by my response he just remained speechless. I was so shaken by my boldness. Behind closed doors and out of earshot my siblings and I had a field day!   

The Couple Drama

Using examples where men are the aggressors and women the victims is not in any way disregarding the fact that men can also be on the receiving end of abuse. Statistics have however shown that the largest number of victims is women. The drama between two people in an intimate relationship can be filled with abuse and violence. After an incident of abuse the aggressor may become remorseful. He may apologise and emphatically promise not to do it again and the victim forgives him. The next thing, the abuse is repeated again and the two are trapped in a vicious circle. I have had cases where the client will tell you that they have a closet full of “sorry items”. Another one may be driving a car that is an apology. If the car were to have a name, then it should just have “Sorry” written on its license plate!

Guilt tripping is also common in such dramas. When the aggressor does not want the status quo to change he will emotionally blackmail the partner who stands up against the abuse. He will accuse the partner of lacking in affection or that she has changed. She is no longer the “nice and respectful” woman he fell in love with and married. Feeling guilty the woman will try to become the prescribed person and as a result revert to victimhood. I once dealt with a case the man accused his wife of being possessed by evil spirits because she had summoned the guts to fight back. After being labelled evil, you might actually begin to question your actions and feel guilty.

The Social Drama

During her ‘A’ levels my daughter had a torrid time trying to fit into the new school. Making new friends was proving to be difficult as she was the target of a lot of meanness from some girls who had been in the school long enough. Understandably so, the status quo was under threat with the arrival of new students. Her first days were really stressful, she would come home in tears and blaming us for taking her out of her old school. The mother in me felt for her, so I kept telling her to fight back and not allow another child to bully her.

One day she just decided that she was tired of fighting and the drama. She told me such fights were “petty and immature” and she was not cut out for that kind of stuff. Knowing when to pick your battles was a powerful lesson from her to me. Fortunately she found her footing and the rest of her schooling days were a breeze.

No more drama: The lyrics!

So tired, tired of all this drama.

You go your way, I go my way(no more no more)

I want to be free……..No more pain. No more game ( messing with my mind)

No  drama, no more in my life(…… no one’s gonna make me hurt again)

No more tears(….. I’m tired of crying every night).

No more fears(………I really don’t wanna cry)

Mary J. Blige

On Dealing With Drama.

Realigning boundaries requires the shift from being a victim to being a survivor.

• Take ownership of your life and the circumstances. You are not as helpless as you think.
• You are not the problem, the problem is the problem. Remove the blame from yourself and do not allow people to make you feel that way.
•  Do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for wanting to change the situation for the better.
• The power is in you to turn your life around therefore do not feel sorry for yourself.
• If you are in a violent relationship, remember your life comes first. Seek protection from relevant support systems like close relatives or the Police. Retaliation can be fatal.
• Seek counselling. It will empower you to become survivor. It will also help clarify issues and assist you to make informed decisions.
• Remember, you are lovable just as you are. You can start by learning to love yourself.
• As parents, it is time to dethrone the little emperor as you reposition yourselves by taking charge.
• You always have the power of choice. Use it wisely.

No More Drama: Lyrics By A Survivor

Ouh, it feels so good. When you let go of all the drama in your life

Now you are free from all the pain. Free from all the game. Free from all the stress

So find your happiness.

Mary J. Blige

Thank you for stopping by.